This Is Harder Than I Thought

I had a panic attack last week. An actual, real world, hyperventilating, tears streaming down my face, can’t speak kind of panic attack. I’ve been stressed out and anxious before, but that was a new low for me.
I was out on the National Mall, about to meet friends for a match of kickball in 95 degree sunshine and all of a sudden my body just gives out and I literally just COULD NOT. It was super embarrassing and ironically only made me stress out more.

My friends were understanding. I made excuses about my asthma (not unusual in that kind of weather) and somehow made my way home. And that’s when all the hyperventilating and crying and frantic calling home to my mother started. I’m strong and independent, but at the end of the day, when everything falls apart, my parents are everything. They are my foundation and my support system and I still need them sometimes. I listened to them just talk for a while and eventually I fell asleep.

But that panic attack scared me. I’m usually quite in control of myself. I’m upfront with how I feel and avoid bad triggers because I know what I can and can’t handle. I’ve been having bad dreams and I’m stressed out, but I was handling it. Except maybe not because my entire body STOPPED WORKING.

Change is hard. And scary. And apparently that can give me panic attacks. But I’m not going to let fear of anything, even myself, stop me from moving forward. I’ve come too far to turn back.

T minus 4 days.

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