Holding Onto My Past

When you’re down about something in your life – your job, your living situation, whatever – it’s really easy to go back to someone who made you feel good.

I never expressly mentioned it on this blog, but I was seeing someone for a while. For just shy of six months actually. Which, given my rather sparse relationship history, is pretty unheard of. In the past I’ve always found some way to talk myself out of any romantic situations before they even started, but not this time. Why? I guess he was just different.

Well, anyway, I was seeing this guy for about six months and while it wasn’t anything particularly deep and I don’t have any heartbroken feelings about the split (he moved, it was amicable), I’ve started missing him lately.

I wrote recently about some of my frustrations and I’m forced to admit that nothing has changed in that regard since December when I first mentioned it. I’m completely under someone else’s direction and I’m honestly deeply unhappy about it. I’m not normally a sit back and take it kind of person when something makes me feel bad, but there’s truly nothing I can do to fix this. I just have to wait it out.

Despite being my sort of ex (or my microship or whatever you want to call the six months we were in each other’s lives), he still makes me feel good. He still makes me laugh, is still my go-to for book recommendations, is still a good ear to talk to. We like a lot of the same things, he’s easy going, and I’ve always liked hearing about his life. So everything about our underlying friendship is still there, even if he’s now several thousand miles away. I know I should give it a little distance, that I should move on and try to find someone else, but given all the unhappiness in my life right now, pulling away from one of the few things that does still make me happy has proved to be rather difficult.

I didn’t think it would be. I didn’t think I’d have trouble getting over him. He’s a great person, but the whole, “I’m moving” thing was about as much closure as a girl could ask for.  And honestly I don’t think I miss him in a romantic way. I think I just miss being around him, being able to talk to him whenever, etc. I miss having a go-to person. And I think I especially miss him now because we were together throughout most of this waiting process; he understands how frustrated I’ve been by it and has watched how, bit by bit, other things have blown up in the interim.

Plus the shallow part of me still likes to be reminded that I’m beautiful. When you’re literally dragging yourself out of bed in the morning, knowing someone thinks you’re beautiful almost makes it worth the extra effort to put on mascara.

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