I don’t know if it’s a chemical imbalance or what, but these days I just can’t seem to make up my mind about anything.
I had a terrible day last Monday. Everything was just so off the wagon and uncomfortable, and so I did what I usually do when things are out of control: I found something that I could fix and I fixed it. I finished my laundry, made myself dinner, and planned my vacation for next month. I ordered books from the library and went to the gym. Instead of wallowing in that self-imposed sadness, I made my melancholy work for me in a more positive way.
By Tuesday I felt much better about everything. I’d made a dent in my problems and things looked brighter. (Or maybe I just woke up on the right side of the bed, I don’t know.) But today I’m back to second guessing myself again on some of the decisions I made. Not because I don’t think I made the right choices, but because I wonder how they will affect me later on in ways that I maybe don’t understand yet. Everytime I make this kind of semi-life altering progress, I always seem to feel this way about it a few days later. Once the initial happiness wears off, I’m a mess.
One day I’ll be so obsessed and confident about my decisions, but then I’ll wake up the next morning and second guess every choice I made the day before. It started with just one or two things, but now I find that everything I do gets scrutinized later by an insecure version of myself. I start to feel guilty about making changes, worried over how things will turn out, and I then I question my own motivation for making those changes in the first place. Was I really doing it for the right reason? Was what I had that bad that I couldn’t make it work?
I think the reason this keeps happening is because I haven’t settled any of the underlying issues yet. I get comfortable with this picture of my life in my head and then when something disrupts that, even if it’s good change, it takes time to readjust to the new image of myself. But I haven’t gotten that yet and it’s because the image never really settles long enough for me to figure it out. It keeps flip flopping, shuffling back and forth between different phases of my life, and neither of them really fits me. Right now it’s like I’m stuck in the middle of a river, a resident of neither side. Where I’m at isn’t right, but I’m also not really sure where I’m going.
I’m in a state of transition, a crossroads of my life, and I’m not sure yet which road I’m going to take.