Why Do I Bother?

Sometimes when I’m bored I’ll whip out my phone and scroll through Tinder. I know I shouldn’t (because Tindering while bored is just as dangerous as swiping while drunk), but like a junkie I really can’t help myself. I’m a little bit addicted.

I’m hung up on the possibility of matching, on the chance of sparking a conversation. I’m intrigued by the weirdness of people’s bios and the hodge-podge of personalities residing in my geographic area. I’m curious to see who’s out there in the world and I’m amused by the possibility of doing it all from my desk at work.

Still, however enchanted I may be by possibilities, when it comes down to reality I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, I’m often disappointed by the quality of people who reach out to me and repelled by their solicitations for hook ups. On the other I must acknowledge that I’m not so determined to find someone that I’d be willing to sign up for a matching site more serious than Tinder. Because as much I as I like the idea of being with someone, I also don’t feel any real need to. I flip through profiles for fun and the off chance that I may spot someone I like. I don’t lose hope or feel disappointed when I’m unsuccessful, just indifferent.

So what am I looking for? Why am I trying and talking and texting when I have no real agenda? What’s the point of reaching out when I honestly couldn’t care less about the outcome?

Possibility.

Because what if I actually met someone? What if I scoured through hundreds of profiles, swiping left and right for months on end, and stumbled upon The One by chance? What if by accident I found the very thing that I was distractedly looking-but-not-looking-hard for? What if Tinder is my drinks-at-a-bar or collision-at-a-bookstore meet-cute moment and I just don’t know it yet?

I may honestly be indifferent, but I’m also a romantic at heart. Perhaps what I cling to isn’t quite hope (that implies a level of determination I don’t quite possess), but willingness all the same.

So here’s to not, not trying. By which I mean, trying, but barely.

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