When I graduated in May I left school with the understanding that I was giving myself time to figure out what I wanted. I told myself it was ok not to know yet. So I took the kind of job that would allow me the time to think, to imagine my future, and to cobble together a life for myself. But even though I’ve done nothing but think these last six months, I still don’t feel any closer to finding my answers.
I guess to some extent that I’m disappointed in myself. Rationally I understand that there’s no rush or pressure to figure anything out, but I guess I thought that I could do better, that I believed in myself enough to know what it was that I wanted. But the truth is that I have no idea. I still don’t know what I want to do, where I want to go, or who I want to be and that’s really hard for me.
I’ve been through the loop before. I know that I have to accept and acknowledge my feelings for what they are and allow myself to feel the way that I do without judgment. But not knowing what I want makes me feel helpless. I’ve been given all the freedom in the world and all the desire to use it, but without the knowledge of how I just feel lost. And that’s not a feeling that I am a accustomed to. I’ve always been so sure of who I was and where I was going – to not have that is almost surreal and I’m finding it very difficult to manage.
I have always been a goal oriented sort of person. I’d like to think that I’m spontaneous, but really I live for projects and objectives and I’m happiest when I have something to build towards. But for the last six months I’ve felt like I’ve been failing the only project that matters – myself. And I have no idea how to fix it.
All I know is that I want to be happy, but I’m clueless as to how to get there.